CHAOS THEORY
by The Raven Queen
Summary: Five very different worlds collide and hurl a bunch of perfectly sane people together to form the weirdest most random line of events in history. A lot of swearing but nothing too heavy.
1. Ok, where's the prozac?

Chapter one.  
  
Orks left and right, Aragorn, with a war cry threw himself into the battle.  
  
Legolas, snarling in concentration, let fly an arrow, straight between the eyes of an ork advancing on Gimli.  
  
Frodo held his breath, he could feel the ring pulling at him, begging him to slide it over his finger, that everything would be right if he did. Sam was holding onto him, keeping him sane.  
  
"Hold on Mr Frodo"  
  
Merry and Pippin were crouched, frozen beside them.  
  
"Just stay quiet" Sam hissed to them. They nodded, pale faced.  
  
Aragorn coughed as a knee slammed into his stomach, the orks were gaining control. Snarling he charged upwards, slicing through the black bodies.  
  
Suddenly a sword, aimed right at his heart, swung out of nowhere.  
  
The next second a flash of light was all he saw, convinced this was his death he closed his eyes.  
  
*  
  
Dr Evil laughed evilly  
  
"And the best part is, no one can stop me, not even. Austin Powers" suddenly the room was full of AOS (armed offenders squad)  
  
"Doctor Evil! You're surrounded"  
  
Dr Evil lowered his little finger "Shit" there was a pause as Dr Evil hit a small red button on his desk, that had no effect other than to activate some getaway music "Come Minime, let's run"  
  
The next second there was a flash of light. Laughing evilly from pure habit, with bad hillbilly music ringing in his ears, Dr Evil and Minime, disappeared.  
  
*  
  
I yawned and rubbed my eyes, the mug of milo in my hand steaming. I scratched the back of my head and toddled sleepily over to start up the computer.  
  
"Tania, you up yet?" Aisling asked  
  
I grunted in answer as my best friend wandered into the living room. "Yup"  
  
Aisling, wearing a dressing gown, like myself, came up behind me "Who's gonna make breakfast?" Both our parents were away for the week, so we had the run of Aisling's house, which, for a pair of sixteen year olds with access to the net, the food supply, and the grog cabinet was probably not as wise as our parents believed it to be, despite how well behaved we pretended to be. ^_~  
  
I stood up, letting the computer heat up and wandered through the second living room to the kitchen, however, before I got there. A huge flash of light slammed into my eyes. I stumbled backwards, nearly spilling steaming milo over my front.  
  
A second later I heard male yelling. And as my vision returned I saw two men and a short creature charging at me. With swords.  
  
I screamed and ducked. "FUUUUUCK!!!"  
  
There was suddenly silence. I raised my head. The closest man was staring at me, his sword still raised  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
I blinked  
  
"Aragorn?"  
  
He jumped "How did you know my name?" I straightened up, my eyes wider than the rest of my face. Reaching past his sword I poked him in the chin. He flinched and jerked his head away  
  
"Are you.Real?" I muttered, kneeling down to poke him in the knee. He jerked away.  
  
"Surely she is a sorceress" said a familiar voice  
  
I suddenly noticed Legolas, staring at me with wide respectful eyes, his blonde hair looking rather dirty in the early morning light (by early morning I mean before eleven thirty) Aragorn suddenly knelt down before me as I straightened up, and offered his sword, hilt first  
  
"I thank you"  
  
I blinked. Convinced I was dreaming. "What for?" I asked. He frowned  
  
"For saving us from certain death of course" he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
I nodded slowly "Ok, I'm dreaming"  
  
"What?" Legolas asked, stepping closer to me, and then sinking to his knees as his eyes fell on the steaming mug in my hand.  
  
"I beg you, we meant not to insult you. Forgive us" taking the hint, the dwarf, Gimli, I believe his name was, dropped also to one knee  
  
"Ah.yeah..sure, right" I said, nodding slowly.  
  
"What of our friends?" Aragorn asked, his blue eyes narrowing with concern  
  
I frowned "Your friends?"  
  
"Four hobbits were with us, they would be but children to your eyes" he said. My eyes widened in realization  
  
"Hold on a second" I moved around to the kitchen table and bent down, to find myself staring at four terrified hobbits. "Are these your friends?"  
  
Aragorn came to kneel beside me, giving me a view of his profile. I suddenly heard a scream and straightened up so fast I hit my head on the table with dizzying force. Aragorn was running beside me as I whirled around and sprinted for the first living room.  
  
The dwarf was standing in the center of the room, growling as Aisling fended him off with a baseball bat that had been sitting by the computer for six months  
  
"Tania!" she half screamed. I glanced at Aragorn, then Legolas behind me, and groaned in defeat  
  
"Aisling," I said softly, moving to stand beside her, "They won't hurt us, hell, they think we're sorceresses" she raised an eyebrow at me as if I were nuts, but dropped the bat anyway.  
  
"Um, right, I guess, until this whole psychotic episode is over, we'll just have to make sure they stay inside" she said dazedly  
  
"They brought the hobbits with them" I muttered. She spat filthy word. "Um, are you hungry?" I asked. Taking the bat and replacing it beside the computer, I prayed I would not need it again.  
  
"Yes! We haven't eaten all day!" I picked up the voice of Sam. Who was standing in the doorway, with Frodo, Pippin and Merry.  
  
"Ok.right, well we were just about to make breakfast"  
  
Aisling nodded quickly  
  
"So, um, well, you guys stay here-and don't touch anything.you know it.might.blow up or..something.and we'll.be back with your..your food"  
  
Then we bolted. 


	2. Vodka, my kingdom for some vodka

Chapter two  
  
We walked into the kitchen, supporting each other as the reality of this dream or whatever it was, sunk in.  
  
"I think we've both gone bonkers" Tania told me  
  
"I agree"  
  
"Have we got enough food?"  
  
"Yeah sure, this is a dream after all, we'll have everything we need"  
  
Making a breakfast for this many people was anything but dull. In the end I gave up trying to force the toaster to work and simply took two loaves of bread and dropped them on a plate. Tania was busy slicing about every sliceable thing in the fridge and throwing onto the largest plate we had. We finished the culinary masterpiece with several bags of fruit  
  
"Are you sure they'll eat all this?" I asked  
  
"If not we have an excuse to buy the food we like" Tania said dismissively, lifting the two giant plates  
  
*  
  
We re-entered the first living room to hear Gimli yelling a war cry. I narrowed my eyes as I could have sworn I saw something move out of the kitchen and down the hallway. Shrugging I shoved the plates at Aragorn and ran up behind the dwarf.  
  
He had axe raised and was advancing on the defenseless computer, who was innocently beeping as it finished warming up  
  
"Noooo!" I yelled. The red haired dwarf stopped for a moment, allowing me time to gingerly pull the large weapon of out of his hands from behind.  
  
I laughed nervously "Ok, guys, if you wanna stay here in this nice safe world, you're gonna have to do some things for us"  
  
Aragorn frowned "A quest?" he asked eagerly. Aisling was standing to the side, her nose wrinkled  
  
"Not exactly" she said  
  
"Yeah, first, we need you to disarm yourselves" I said. Legolas clung protectively to his bow "And then you need to take showers"  
  
"Why?" Aragorn asked, looking nonplussed.  
  
*  
  
"Look, do you wanna get us charged for possession of a lethal weapon!" I half yelled. Tania glanced at me, and carefully placed the axe on a chair. Frowning, the warriors complied with our demand. Legolas walked up to me, I wrinkled my nose further, and handed me his bow  
  
"And the arrows" I said, holding out my hand, begrudgingly he handed me his quiver "And any daggers, swords, and throwing stars you may have on you"  
  
The amount of weaponry they actually had was amazing. Gimli had two axes, a dagger and a small sword, Aragorn had three daggers, a sword, and a short spear like thing strapped to his back  
  
"And you too hobbitses" I said. Frodo warily handed over his elfin sword "I can see that knife in your boot Sam" I said sternly. Wide eyed, he handed me the small blunt looking weapon  
  
"Ok guys..tuck in I guess" said Tania. They stared at her blankly for a moment. She sighed and took up a plate and shoved it at Legolas, "Eat" she said slowly  
  
The effect was instant.  
  
Suddenly a tiny gray figure leapt into the room, snatched up a handful of food and scurried away before any of us could react. I jumped and started after him  
  
"No!" Aragorn caught my arm, but was not quick enough to stop Tania "Let us go, it might be dangerous"  
  
Tania snorted "It's only Minime, he only knows kung fu" there was a confused silence. Running a hand through her hair Tania side stepped Legolas and headed down the corridor. Aragorn grabbed a blade and followed her. While Legolas stood in my path  
  
"Do not walk into danger"  
  
I scowled and bit into an apple that Sam had been eyeing.  
  
*  
  
I moved cautiously down the corridor, I was certain of what I had seen now. The cogs in my head were turning, so if Minime was here, then it was safe to assume that Dr Evil was also here, if not Austin Powers and a few of his girl friends. I shuddered at the thought.  
  
I could hear a voice in the second bathroom, it was English, and sinister, in a weird sort of way. Suddenly a hand clamped around my mouth. My eyes widened and I elbowed my captor in the stomach and bit into his hand.  
  
I heard Aragorn groan in pain and realized he had followed me  
  
"Sorry" I hissed. He was bent double, groaning. "Well you shouldn't have snuck up on me" I hissed indignantly "Stay here, I'll be back in a sec" I paused to grab his sword.  
  
Silently pushing the door open a crack I saw Dr Evil eating a pop tart and a slice of cold pizza that, as I remembered, was several weeks old.  
  
"Very good Minime" he praised "Soon we shall gain control of the world using the strange tools here" I raised and eyebrow and very quietly shut the door.  
  
Aragorn was standing right behind and as I turned I ran into him again  
  
"Geezuz! Stop following me!" I hissed furiously, pointing at him with the sword. He very slowly took the point and pushed it away  
  
"I would not let you walk into danger"  
  
I sighed in frustration  
  
"It's only Dr Evil and his tiny clone, just stay here and don't let them out"  
  
He frowned as I stalked off  
  
*  
  
I looked up as Tania entered looking peeved. Legolas immediately stood up as she tossed Aragorn's sword into the pile of metalwork  
  
"What of Aragorn?" he asked  
  
"He's guarding Dr Evil" she said shortly, coming to a halt by a large couch the hobbits had taken up residence on.  
  
"Hey!" Sam complained as she bent and lifted one end, starting to tip them all off  
  
"Well get off then" she told them bad temperedly  
  
*  
  
I blinked suddenly as Legolas tried to peel my hands off the couch  
  
"Let a man do this" he said gently. I elbowed him and glared angrily at Gimli, who had moved to the other end  
  
"Not a word" I warned, heaving the couch up and dragging it to the doorway "Not one word, or I curse you all to hell" this seemed to do the trick as they both backed off, leaving me to huff and strain alone  
  
I was glad the couch was narrow, it made moving it along the hallway a lot easier  
  
Aragorn was still leaning against the doorway as I dragged the piece of furniture along, very glad the hobbits had found a new hole in the first living room.  
  
"Give me a hand" I grunted  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
I scowled "Locking Dr Evil in the bathroom" I said matter of factly  
  
He frowned and looked as if he was about to say more when I shoved the couch upwards, he caught it and helped me position it against the door.  
  
"Not even Minime's gonna get through that" I said, satisfied.  
  
"Minime?"  
  
I sighed "The tiny clone of an evil doctor, who knows several forms of martial arts, the makarena, and has a taste fir male flesh and is bent on world domination and general evil activities and who happens to hate his DNA donor's long lost brother, Austin Powers" I could have sworn Aragorn had gone cross eyed at some point "Ok that's that done" I motioned him to follow me and walked back out into the living area.  
  
I was greeted with a bizarre sight. The three stupid hobbits had apparently decided that the cold meat was not satisfactory and were trying to build a fire on the carpet, and they were currently searching for kindling. While Legolas and Gimli argued the purpose of the computer  
  
"I'm tellin' ya, elf! It's a monster. I seem ones like 'em in the mines all my life!" Gimli declared  
  
"It is a seeing pool"  
  
"Have you ever seen a seeing pool like that?"  
  
"Have you ever seen a creature like that?"  
  
I quickly stepped between the "How about we leave the computer alone and..um.help me get these dam hobbits under control"  
  
Legolas glanced and realized that the carpet was beginning to smoke.  
  
"We didn't do anything!" Merry said desperately, jumping back as a little tongue of flame shot up out of nowhere, Aragorn and Legolas jumped back, obviously amazed that a fire could spring out of the floor.  
  
"Shit!" I heard Aisling say "Quick, get something"  
  
I pulled off my dressing gown and threw it over the burning patch and jumped on it.  
  
This seemed to work as the flame died, leaving only a large black patch on the carpet. I looked around to see Aisling return with a bowl of water that she threw at me, drenching me from head to foot.  
  
I suddenly noticed, as I stood dripping all over the carpet with my silk pajama pants and my shoestring top clinging to me, my sodden hair in my eyes, that everyone in the room, besides Aisling (who was cringing and backing away) was staring at me.  
  
"What? Ya never seen a chick gone for a swim before?"  
  
They suddenly all blushed and Legolas, who was closest to me, looked at the ground. I looked down at myself, my top was still in place, my pants weren't see through  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well.it is just..you.you are..without your.robe" Legolas mumbled, indicating my dressing gown  
  
"Well it's not as if it covered anything important" I growled. There was a long silence. "Fine! If it bothers you so much I'll go put something else on" I stomped over to the door, shot a filthy look at Aisling and headed up to the room I slept in, this being Aisling's house. I was suddenly very glad the lord of the rings characters had not chosen to take up residence in my house, my parents would think I was nuts and smoking pot and the fumes were affecting them, or some completely outrageous conclusion.  
  
After a quick shower, with my hair in a towel I pulled on a light dress. Shoving my soaking pajamas in the laundry, the downside of being as lazy as me and Aisling meant that there very few clean clothes around, the laundry pile was currently my height and growing.  
  
Needing some sort of normalcy I shoved as much as I could fit into the washing machine and poured some detergent in. Closing the lid I pressed the button and wandered back out to the living area, vaguely praying that when I got there that the lord of the rings characters would be gone and it would be all a hallucination from all the beer I couldn't quite remember drinking but must have done to have gotten so zonked.  
  
I paused before climbing over the couch, wedged against the door, I could hear Dr Evil laughing evilly from behind the door of the other bathroom (Aisling's house, is massive) and the sound of an electric toothbrush. I sighed resignedly and stepped into the living area to be greeted by a blinding flash of light. 


	3. Take that bottle, good, and bludegeon me...

Chapter three  
  
"OK people! This is it, the moment we've all been waiting for. At 8.35 this morning, we all stand on our desks, pull our pants down and present our asses to the teacher. And then we all yell 'suck my ass'!" There were hoots and war whoops as Cartman finished explaining his plan. The whole fourth grade class trudged into their room. Cartman took a seat next to Kyle and Stan.  
  
The teacher prattled on for a while and Cartman watched the clock intently.  
  
"Five, four three two one ha!" the clock hit 8.35 and Cartman jumped onto his desk, pulling down his pants and shouted "Suck my ass!" He looked around at his classmates, grinning, expecting to see them all on their desks. Everyone sat motionless in their seats. "Er, um." Cartman pulled his pants back on and looked around the class. "You guys are such fucking pussies!" he yelled.  
  
"Excuse me, Eric. But that behavior is unacceptable in my class. Go to the principal this instant."  
  
Cartman sighed, climbing off his desk. The teacher turned around and Cartman motioned for Kenny, Kyle and Stan to follow him. They snuck around the back and joined him on the other side of the door.  
  
"You guys are such-" Cartman began. But exactly what they were, the others never found out. At that moment a blinding flash of light engulfed them and they were no more.  
  
*  
  
Vegeta roared and blasted forward. The giant cricket that was Cell turned and made to block.  
  
Gohan blinked as a knee connected with his stomach and a ki blast singed his hair.  
  
Trunks dodged the green tail and glanced at Piccolo, the namek was busy charging up a ki blast.  
  
Suddenly there was a flash of light that engulfed them all.  
  
*  
  
I stumbled backward, suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around me, I heard Tania yelling and swearing, and then something else.  
  
I sighed  
  
Why me? Why me?  
  
Why did every imaginary character have to come into our world screaming and ready to kill?  
  
I looked up to see four saijins and a namek charging right at us through some sort of portal.  
  
"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screamed, ducking. I quickly realized Legolas had thrown himself on top of me, next thing he shoved me under the table. I could still hear Tania swearing at everything in sight when four hobbits crawled in beside me  
  
"You alright?" Sam asked me. I nodded, and glanced at Frodo, he was paled faced and silent. I reached over and touched his arm  
  
"Listen, don't move" I crawled away, kicking back when some one grabbed my ankle. I straightened up to see Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, weapons raised, charging a bunch of Z fighters  
  
"STOOOOOOOOOP!" it wasn't me who yelled though.  
  
It was Tania, she was holding a broom and running at both of them. I could see each of the saijin raising their hands, ki forming in them. It was like time slowed down.  
  
Tania leapt in between the two, raising the broom handle defensively against the DBZ characters and then spinning around to smack Legolas on the side of the head with her fist  
  
"Owww" she complained, rubbing her fist "Now listen!" everyone froze at her commanding tone, people didn't argue with Tania when she was this pissed off  
  
"No one is attacking anyone. I am Tania! She is Aisling! We. Are your hostesses, therefore, you do what we say without question! Or else we will turn you out. And believe me, this world is very dangerous; there are nuclear bombs and stuff and special effects that will scare the shit out of you. So SHUT UP AND STOP ATTACKING EACH OTHER LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS!!!" she screamed, red in the face.  
  
The room was silent, as I came up to take the broom from her. She turned to me, breathing more evenly now  
  
"We have a problem"  
  
I nodded my agreement. She looked pretty drained, and I couldn't blame her  
  
"I'll deal with the saijins and green boy, you find the fellowship here somewhere to camp out" I told her gently.  
  
She nodded wearily "I'll stick them in here, I dunno, they'll have to set up a camp or something, and geez, go run a bath or something, they reek" She said, wrinkling her nose, for all around us was the smell of sweat and blood. Lovely. The pair of us weren't known for particular cleanliness, but there's only so much the nose can take.  
  
I sighed "Yep. If we kept them apart maybe things will settle down"  
  
"I wish"  
  
"Right, you lot follow me and I'll explain" I told them briskly. Up until the point every fictional character had been staring at us, dumbfounded.  
  
"I demand an explanation woman" Vegeta growled, breaking out of his trance  
  
"Well then follow me" I said, beckoning  
  
*  
  
I sighed resignedly and turned to Aragorn, he was frowning worriedly at me  
  
"Are you hurt?" he asked, taking my arm carefully, this chauvinistic attention was starting to annoy me.  
  
I shook my head "There is such a thing as girl power in this world, and a slogan, it goes something like "girls can do anything,"" I sighed again "And judging by the current situation it's pretty safe to say it's being tested rather harshly" they just nodded dazedly "Looks like you guys'll be staying here for a while. So follow me, Gimli, stay here and don't let those bloody hobbits destroy anything, no fires, no monsters, and nothing in the room is dangerous if you don't touch it"  
  
The dwarf man scowled seriously and bowed "I'll guard them with my life"  
  
I shrugged and beckoned Aragorn and Legolas "I hope you guys know how to move furniture" I led them along the corridor and down into the basement, where there were a big pile of foam mattresses "Grab those and follow me" they complied and I led them back into the living area, left five in the second living room, where Aisling was doing her best to stop Vegeta from blowing up every object in sight, and then back into the first living room.  
  
"Dump them there" I pointed at the floor.  
  
The hobbits were huddled under the table. Frodo suddenly caught my attention. I knelt down in front of him, seeing the fear in his eyes. It occurred to me how scared he must be, even though he was just a fictional character  
  
"Hey, listen, can you come with me for a second" his skin was pale and drawn. I smiled and offered my hand. Sam was staring at me suspiciously, I guessed I had scared them with my little display of skill with a broom "It's alright" I said softly.  
  
Very slowly he took my hand and slipped out from underneath the table. I led him into the corridor, over the couch and into the laundry. There was a cupboard there full of sheets and blankets  
  
"Can you help me with these?" I asked, he nodded, some of the color returning to his face. I could hear some cursing coming from Aisling's department. I sighed; she had her job, I had mine.  
  
I pulled out a pile of sheets and dumped them in his arms, then took a load of duvets on my shoulder.  
  
"Pillows.Pillows" I muttered to myself as I wondered. "Ah well, you can use cushions"  
  
He was staring at me blankly, I ignored it and stepped back into the corridor. Again I stopped to dump a load of bedding off to Aisling, who was now trying to convince Goku that the stuffed bird on the wall was not edible.  
  
It took me twenty minutes to make up seven beds and explain to the amazed fellowship that they were perfectly safe and they could indeed sleep in them when night fell.  
  
Glancing at the clock, I realized it was well into the afternoon.  
  
"Ok, now it's time you guys took a bath"  
  
They stared at me blankly. Aragorn raised an arm and sniffed. Legolas raised an eyebrow "Why?" he asked blankly  
  
I wrinkled my nose "Because if you don't. You're going to kill every life form within a hundred yards" they blinked. "Please?" I gave my best puppy dog face. Aragorn nodded and suddenly smiled  
  
"To please the lady" he suddenly pulled off his shirt. Legolas scowled meaningfully at him and made a sort of gesture towards me. The word he mumbled sounded awfully like 'showoff'  
  
"Direct us to a river" Aragorn said  
  
My jaw had hit the floor the floor by this time. I stuttered incoherently for a second before my tongue, without really communicating with my brain, began to form words  
  
"Umm.no..how about you just..use the bathroom"  
  
"Bathroom?" they stared at me, nonplussed.  
  
I nodded mutely, my eyes like saucers "Follow me" I said faintly  
  
I took them to the upstairs bathroom, telling them very sternly to leave the various objects along the upper hall alone, and began my explanation  
  
"Things are very different here, here you wash every day, you clean your teeth and you take a shower" I demonstrated by turning on the shower, the jets of warm water sending a fine mist over us all.  
  
Their amazement was apparent.  
  
"No questions just yet, this is a shower, you wash in it."  
  
*  
  
"Goku, please! Leave the bird alone!"  
  
"But birds taste good!" Goku pouted. I growled and dragged him into the kitchen.  
  
"Alright stay here, don't eat anything. Where are the others?"  
  
He shook his head. "I don't know."  
  
"Goku, you never know anything." I said exasperatedly  
  
"Yes I do! I know how to fight!" He argued back. I ignored him and trudged back into the living room.  
  
"Trunks, Vegeta! No sparring in the house!" I yelled desperately as father and son squared off, about to destroy half the room. Vegeta paused and glared at me.  
  
"What do you want woman!" he growled. I glared back at him.  
  
"Are you lot hungry? I know you won't be, Piccolo, but are you guys?" I asked. They all nodded. "Right, well follow me into the kitchen. Piccolo, you might want to come as well."  
  
Vegeta folded his arms defiantly. "Why would I do that?"  
  
I sighed and counted to ten, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I failed abysmally.  
  
"Because I'm going to feed you, so get your sorry Saijin asses into the kitchen!"  
  
They followed me in, Vegeta grumbling to himself. I seated them all at the table and looked at them menacingly "OK, I am Aisling, and my friend is Tania, who is currently upstairs. You were brought here, I don't know for how long. While staying here, you will be in the company of other.er.people. Don't hurt them, don't bother them and any strange noises you hear, ignore them, do as we tell you and everything will work out fine."  
  
A long silence followed.  
  
"What the fuck?" I said suddenly. Four kids, well.three kids and a fat blob had just wandered nervously into the kitchen.  
  
"Ah, 'scuse me could we speak to the person in charge?" the lead one asked. But my eyes had traveled to the potato shaped blob  
  
"Cartman?"  
  
"Hey, she knows my name! You guys suck shit!" he laughed at his friends.  
  
"Kyle? Kenny? Stan? What the hell are you doing here?". Oh yay, really, and here's little old me thinkin' it just couldn't get any better, but yet again little ol' pessimistic me always underestimates just how fantastic things can get. So yet again things get just peachy. Joy.  
  
"Who the fuck are these little brats?" Vegeta asked angrily.  
  
I turned on him. "They are cartoon characters, just like you!" I told him, jabbing him in the chest.  
  
He growled. "I am no cartoon character, woman!"  
  
I smirked, taking the chance to confuse him. "You're right, you're an anime character!"  
  
He looked about to cuss some more, when Kyle spoke up.  
  
"So, ah, what the fuck are we doing here, guys?"  
  
I looked at him. He barely reached my knee. "I am Aisling, you were pulled here for some.reason. I dunno how long you'll be stuck here. So behave yourselves. You will be staying in the company of others." I turned to the Saijins and Piccolo.  
  
"You lot may fight among yourselves, after we sort this out, but you are not to attack, or kill, I might add, any of the others. That goes for you too, Vegeta." I glared threateningly at the saijin prince. He growled but nodded. Suddenly, we heard a scream from upstairs. I turned to the Z warriors. "OK, you lot stay here. There's food in the cupboards and fridge, Piccolo, there's water in the taps, and you lot," I glared menacingly at the South Park kids, "stay out of trouble and don't touch anything." They nodded and I dashed upstairs to see what the hell Tania was screaming about.  
  
*  
  
I extended the bottle  
  
"This, is shampoo" there was an awed silence "Legolas, stick you head in there" he stared at the shower dubiously "It's not going to behead you ya bloody baby" he narrowed his eyes at my insult and bent over, I turned the shower on again, he jumped but did not back out. I smirked, maybe aiming at their pride rather than below the belt was the best way to keep them in line  
  
I leaned over, careful not to slip, and made sure his long hair was soaking before pulling him out again "Now sit down" I motioned the small stool, watching me warily, with water gushing off him in little waterfalls, he complied. I took the shampoo bottle and dumped a handful on his head and rubbed it in.  
  
They gaped as the white suds expanded and grew in seconds  
  
"It'll eat your head!" Gimli roared.  
  
I rolled my eyes "It will not. It's cleaning it you bloody wimp" Gimli scowled, but kept well back. The Hobbits were hiding behind Aragorn, peering out every now and again with wide frightened eyes.  
  
Once I was done-the suds had turned brown-I shoved his head under the shower again and put some conditioner in. When I finished that I roughly rubbed his head dry, taking out my frustration by giving him whiplash. I noticed by this time the other members of the fellowship were looking very afraid.  
  
"And now comes the fun part." I said grimly "Bodywash." Legolas tensed. I grabbed the last bottle, then the purple pouf and wet it. "Just pour some of this stuff onto this thing"  
  
Aragorn narrowed his eyes at the brightly colored fluffy looking ball. "Is that alive? What is it?"  
  
"A pouf, you use it to make yourself clean so you don't cause the local vegetation to wilt when you walk past" I said matter of factly. They gave me another set of those looks; fear mixed with disbelief and the firm knowledge that I was nuts. I rubbed the pouf to bring out the bubbles and slapped it in Legolas's hand "Strip, get under the shower and rub the white stuff all over yourself. And then each one of you does what I just showed you, there's a pile of towels to get yourselves dry with in the corner" I pointed out the neat, pastel colored pile, then turned away. "And give me your clothes" I could sense them all blushing furiously as the sounds of material being shed and dropped filled the room "Put those towels around your waists" I ordered. A minute later and I turned around.  
  
A bunch of half naked fictional characters clinging to towels around their waists greeted me with bright red cheeks. I bent down and scooped up the virtually steaming pile of clothing and did my best to remain alive without breathing. Before I left the room I turned the shower on again  
  
"Take turns, one at a time, and dry off, I'll be back soon" I turned around, to hear Gimli's voice  
  
"Ya smell like flowers elf!"  
  
"Do not forget, you are next" I could hear the satisfaction in Legolas's voice.  
  
I smirked "Oh, and Gimli" I called "Don't forget to do your beard properly" I heard laughter and smirked as I marched off down the corridor.  
  
The next second I heard a scream.  
  
Dumping the smelly pile I turned and sprinted back to the bathroom.  
  
I threw open the door and screamed a cuss word "Fuck!" Aragorn, Legolas and Frodo were in a grappling heap, on top of a gray shape. "Minime!" I snarled. I grabbed Legolas by his wet hair and wrenched him back, Aragorn soon to follow. I was more careful with Frodo, I didn't grab his hair, I just detached his arms. Cursing like there was no tomorrow I caught Minime around the neck and latched a hand onto his collar. I straightened up, lifting him off the ground, all writhing twenty kg of him "Little bastard" I growled. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were standing in the bath, huddled against the wall. I glanced at them. "Look, it's alright, he can't hurt you now" At that point Minime bit my arm. "Little fucker!" I snarled, smacking him across the face, obviously he was not so well skilled at fighting females. He hung there dazedly while I spoke again. I noticed Frodo trying to hang onto his towel and the ring around his neck at the same time  
  
"Frodo, come with me" I said softly. With that I walked to the door and dropped kicked Minime into a hall closet and slammed the door. I heard Frodo leave the room "The rest of you stay." I commanded.  
  
It was at that point that Aisling came charging up the stairs  
  
"What happened! Are you ok? What's going on? Why is Frodo in a towel?" she finished with a befuddled frown.  
  
"Long story-listen, do you think you could keep the Z fighters in one room, and there's a certain tiny clone thing in the hall cupboard, can you like.tie him up or something?" I said quickly. She nodded, grinning at Frodo, I sighed and shook my head, have some standards girl, he doesn't make it to your elbow  
  
"Who screamed?" she asked, still grinning at the tiny guy.  
  
He suddenly smiled for a second "It was Sam, that.thing just ran in and.bit his." his voice tailed away. We both cracked up as the little hobbit winced and his legs came a little closer together. He frowned "What?" this only made us laugh harder  
  
"I'm.sorry.it's just.Minime, he.likes to.bite" Aisling choked out.  
  
I regained control of myself, I imagined we had scared these poor males to death several times over. "Sorry, come on" I scooped up the pile again and grinned at Aisling as she headed for the closet. I went more slowly, keeping pace with Frodo.  
  
I descended the stairs carefully, I couldn't see where I was going over the stinking pile of garments. Coming to the laundry door I was relieved to find the washing machine was done with it's load.  
  
Frodo stared around in wonder "What does it do?" he pointed to the innocently beeping machine. I dumped the clothes in his arms and opened the lid  
  
"It washes clothes" I told him. He peered inside, as though expecting a monster to pop out "See?"  
  
He nodded slowly as I pulled out the clean clothes and chucked them in the dryer  
  
"And this dries them" I told him. Dumping as much as I could fit of the smelly garments in the washing machine, pouring in half a bottle of detergent and some bleach for good measure, I closed the lid and pressed the button. Frodo leapt back, still clutching at his towel. "It's ok, come on" I patted the faithful appliance and led the nervous hobbit to the kitchen. Ignoring the sound of booms and cuss words as I went  
  
*  
  
I ducked as a ki blast went flying over my head.  
  
"STOP!!" I screamed. Vegeta ignored me, hurling another ki blast at a black streak "What the fuck do you think you're doing!!" I screeched. The poor defenseless cat screeched and leapt behind the couch as Piccolo suddenly whirled around and shot a ki blast at the streak of black.  
  
The saijin prince and the tall namek, smirking, advanced on the couch form both sides. I watched, frozen in place. Both raised a hand, small balls of light forming.  
  
"One," Piccolo began  
  
"Two," said Vegeta  
  
"Three!" they both yelled, over turning the couch.  
  
"STOP RIGHT NOW YOU BLOODY ASSHOLES!!!" I screeched, the sheer volume made them wince and cringe, giving my poor kitty time to fly over the edge of the couch and launch himself at me. Clinging to me as if I were his only tie to life. And at that point, I probably was. "Now. The cat is not edible, nor is he dangerous, just leave him alone and he won't hurt you" I said, panting  
  
"Then why did it jump on me" Piccolo snarled  
  
"Because you were sitting in his seat. He just wanted to sit on your lap" I stated matter of factly  
  
Piccolo gave me a disgusted looked, and Vegeta burst out laughing.  
  
I sighed, still clutching my poor cat to my chest, and left them to their bickering while I went to sort out Minime. But not before I sent a warning glance at the four circular shaped kids sitting in the corner, eyeing up the grog cabinet.  
  
*  
  
I sat across from Frodo, he was wrapped in a dressing gown I had dug out of the washing pile, a mug of tea in his hands, staring at the still liquid  
  
"Frodo, are you afraid of me?" I asked gently, he looked up, his face, pale as usual. He nodded slightly. I frowned "Why?"  
  
"I don't know, I just have this feeling about you" he said, returning to fiddling with the mug  
  
"It's ok, you can drink it, it's not poison" I said. He almost smiled  
  
"Oh, thank you" he said softly  
  
I smiled as he sipped the drink nervously "It's tea" He gave another one of those half smiles. I frowned, watching the ring around his neck "Why do you let the ring govern your thoughts?" I asked, he jumped. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone else, I don't think they noticed" I said softly. Frodo sighed in obvious relief  
  
"It's taking me over, I don't know what to do" he said miserably  
  
I thought for a few moments "If you want me to put it somewhere for safe keeping you only have to ask"  
  
He nodded "I will"  
  
I glanced at the clock and cringed, soon those saijins would be hungry  
  
"And now it's time you took a shower"  
  
The fear on his face was classic  
  
*  
  
Night crept up on us. Between Tania and me we managed to get the fellowship bedded down for the night, dressed in pairs of my Dad's pajama pants, (mine and Tania's trackpants for the hobbits). The Z fighters, somewhat quiet, Vegeta wanted to train, Goku wanted to eat (there was no food left in the house after the first assault on the kitchen) the south park kids lined up on the couch with the Z fighters, Minime tied up and stuffed into a cardboard box in a cupboard, and some relative quiet in the house.  
  
I was completely drained when I sat down next to Tania at nine thirty  
  
"I thought we'd never get some peace" as she said this the odd bang could be heard from the Z fighters' room, we had begun to tune them out already, and small holes and dents now looked normal in the walls.  
  
"Uh huh" I agreed "I reckon we should sleep in the same room tonight, in case something else appears to destroy our food stores and gib board"  
  
"I second that" she said sleepily  
  
Walking beside each other, in our dressing gowns, one burnt and slightly damp, one ripped and torn, we stumbled up the hall, praying for some peace. 


	4. Oh dear Lord

Chapter four:  
  
I smiled dreamily. Rolling over and yawning. The calling of the magpies on the roof alerted me to the fact it was morning. I grinned goofily, thinking of the bizarre dream I had. Funny, I had to wash Legolas's hair. And Aisling tied up Minime and stuffed him in a box. I curled up under the warm duvet and close my eyes again, ready to enjoy a nice long lie in.  
  
One, full, beautiful minute of peace.  
  
Then,  
  
"WOMAN!!!"  
  
"MISS TANIA! MISS AISLING!"  
  
"HEY!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME BREAKFAST ROUND HERE!!"  
  
"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
I fell out of bed.  
  
My nerves sparked and jolted as they got louder and louder. I curled into a little ball on the floor as Aisling's curses alerted me to her awakeness.  
  
I heard the screech of a cat and leapt up, tripping over Aisling and using her stomach as a springboard.  
  
Aisling's house has three main stories, a basement and an attic, the ground floor has the games room, Aisling's mum's art studio and her dad's office along with a bathroom, known as the third bathroom. The second floor, where all the fictional characters were camped out, held a bathroom, known as the second bathroom, kitchen, two living areas and a small library. The third floor held several bedrooms and a bathroom, plus the master unit with it's own adjoining bathroom. The stairs second floor is reached through the ground floor and a set narrow staircase, and overlooked by a sort of balcony that adjoins the stairs to the third floor. There is a gym in the basement, and a double garage connecting to the house and a huge garden.  
  
And it was over one of these nicely painted guard rails that I nearly fell when I was greeted with the sight that awaited me on the on the second floor.  
  
The fellowship, the Z fighters, and the south park kids.  
  
As soon as I appeared they all started yelling at once, not specifically yelling at me, except for Vegeta that is, they were just trying to be heard. I cringed and groaned, banging my head on the rail.  
  
"Tania?" it was Aisling. I pointed.  
  
Shortly afterwards we both had small round lumps on our foreheads.  
  
Trudging down the stairs I took a deep breath. Raised my head, and marched over to Vegeta, who was yelling his head off. I puffed out my chest and opened my mouth  
  
"SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUP!!"  
  
There was silence.  
  
"That's better" I said through gritted teeth. "So you want food do you?" they all nodded "Well then, since you guys ate it all, we'll have to go shopping, I want three volunteers to help carry it all, god knows we'll need a truckload" there was total silence. I scowled "Fine then, Legolas, Aragorn, you two at least look human, and Gimli, as long as you keep your trap shut and do what I tell you"  
  
The three victims stepped forward, looking for all the world as if I had just told them I was going to wax their legs, which, come to think of it, wasn't all that bad an idea for punishments..  
  
"Gimli, come with me" I said sternly. He gave a scared glance to the small frozen group before shuffling after me. I sent a despairing look at Aisling before leaving her to a bunch of hungry fictional characters.  
  
"Where are we going?" he asked  
  
I paused to send a swift kick into Minime's gut as he scooted across the hall, not really caring how he got out. "The bathroom"  
  
He cringed.  
  
*  
  
I sighed and marshaled the complaining figments of our imagination in the opposite direction. The Z fighters were dressed in just about every pair of my father's and older brother's boxers in the house. The fellowship were wearing pajama pants from my father's collection, barring the hobbits, who had on mine and Tania's two, collective four pairs of trackpants. The four south park kids were swimming in their underwear and old t shirts. All barring the circular shaped ones were shirtless.  
  
I sighed  
  
"Come on" I grabbed Goku's arm, sinking my nails in and dragging him into the living room. Everyone else followed mutely. We seemed to be having a rather strange effect on the poor buggers.  
  
Shoving them each into a seat and wondering vaguely what Tania was planning, I launched into the day's regime.  
  
"This is how it's gonna work, I'm going to go and have a shower, you lot are then going to have showers as well. And I mean all of you" I said sternly, narrowing my eyes at the fellowship, they were cringing and shrinking away. I mentally shrugged, they'd get used to smelling like herbs soon enough, or else they'd start smelling of dog, because that's where they would be living, the dog house. "Then, you're going to go to your individual rooms, and stay there, making no noise and touching absolutely nothing without my permission, and you're going to remain that way until Tania returns. When, we will demonstrate the techniques of cooking, whereupon you will feed yourselves, and clean up. And then you lot are going to start fixing up this house. I want it spotless, the holes will be fixed, the floors will be polished and vacuumed, the tables will be polished, the windows crystal clear. Is that understood" I folded my arms and glared at them  
  
"What makes you think I'm doing woman's work girl" Vegeta snarled, standing up and stomping up to me. I smirked nastily at him.  
  
"Because if you don't you won't eat for the remainder of your stay, and also, I won't show you the gym, and I won't let you out of the house"  
  
"You couldn't stop me" he said contemptuously  
  
"Wanna bet, let's see how you deal with this little number" I jerked my head at Cartman "You want some respect, rear admiral salute kid"  
  
"Yes mam" he said, making a small hand salute. He sidled up beside me, made an about turn, and bent over.  
  
Vegeta snorted and drew his foot back. I closed my eyes and stepped away.  
  
The next second I heard a thud and, "Suck my ass!"  
  
Multiple thuds and groans followed.  
  
When I opened my eyes, Cartman was waggling his ass at a room where only Goku looked no different. Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits had turned their backs, looking afraid and disgusted.  
  
Vegeta was out cold on the floor. Piccolo was slumped down against the wall, where he had chosen to lean, looking dazed and horrified. Gohan was staring, his eyes like saucers, his mouth working soundlessly, and Goku simply stared, looking nonplussed. Trunks was inspecting the grog cabinet, doing his best to ignore Cartman.  
  
"Ha! I win! You guys suck shit!" Cartman announced, dancing around, his flab jiggling everywhere.  
  
"For the love of the gods fat kid, put your pants on" Aragorn muttered, his back turned. I sighed and smirked at my petrified residents. I may as well get some free labor for my troubles. Maybe the hobbits could wash the car.  
  
It took several minutes to get Cartman down from his perch on the grandfather clock, where he had continued to display his ample posterior until Goku hauled him down by the pudgy ankle.  
  
It was then decided, with much cursing from all angles, that it would be best to keep Cartman tied up.  
  
His friends weren't happy about this. And Kenny went so far as to kick Goku in the ankle. He blinked a few times and frowned down at the little orange triangle  
  
"Did you say something?" he asked innocently. I was busy taping Cartman's mouth shut while keeping my foot securely embedded in Stan's stomach, as Piccolo sat on Cartman. It was incredible, the way he spread out, like one of those stress balls. Even beneath Piccolo's huge body, his edges, flattened and bouncy, still showed.  
  
He did not seem happy about being gagged. This was probably because I had stuffed my sock in his mouth, which, after not being changed for twenty four hours, was pretty suspicious. But then, who can tell?  
  
It was after this little cacophony, that I got the remaining house invaders under control. It seemed Piccolo could create walls with his mind, just as he could with clothing. I decided to make use of that once I had Tania for backup. I didn't envy her, dragging two stone age (Albeit it very hot) men, and a dwarf shopping (Which, Tania hated anyway) was not my idea of fun, and probably even less of hers.  
  
But I had my own problems to tackle. Like ensuring violence was kept to a minimum while I tried to wake myself up from this dream. This was not how dreams were supposed to go, dreams involving a bunch of hot guys were supposed to be just that. Hot. They weren't supposed to involve potato shaped, ass presenting, fouled mouthed, insult slinging, bad smelling, shower fearing, world domination obsessed, medieval minded, sword welding, ki throwing, scowling, bad smelling, ass presenting.no wait.I already thought that. chauvinistic, profusely sweating, kitchen out cleaning FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WHO BELONG IN THE GARBAGE EATER!!!!!!!  
  
The mental scream made me feel so much better. Dreams were meant to be nice, and cosy, not.this. This was no dream, it had the makings of a dream. But it just wasn't nice! It was all wrong! How could it go so wrong?  
  
I whined inside my head for another few minutes before ordering them back to their individual rooms, told Trunks if he let his father move once he woke up, I would set Cartman free again, took the massive ball of duct tape that was the fat kid, put him under the kitchen sink, and went upstairs to take a shower.  
  
I found total chaos.  
  
"WHO THE FUCK DID THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!"  
  
*  
  
I tossed the shirt at Legolas  
  
"Put that on"  
  
He frowned and inspected it. I scowled and stomped over to him.  
  
"Just do as I say and you won't get hurt" I jerked his arms above his head, wrinkled my nose slightly, these guys sweated way too much, and roughly pulled the shirt over his head, trying to ignore the nice eye candy underneath, it wasn't difficult considering my level of consciousness. Next I grabbed the hairtie in my hand and plaited his long golden hair. I would have cut it off had I not known how difficult it would be, when putting it under a hat would be so much simpler. I made sure to pull the now clean golden strands as hard as possible, he yelped and gritted his teeth, grimacing as I wrenched his head around, Macho pride has it's uses from time to time. Next, I produced a cap, pulled his new extremely tight plait onto the top of his head, and stuffed his skull inside it.  
  
Then I tossed a pair of Aisling's father's jeans at him, they were several sizes to big, which is why I hurled a belt after them, ignoring his yelp when the buckle whacked into his eyebrow, and moved to Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn was easy enough to dress. Aisling's father was a big guy, but her brother was too small compared to our house guests. So they had to settle for business shirts and jeans way to big for them. Gimli was another problem altogether. I had him wearing a pair of my largest baggiest shorts, amazed that they only just fitted around his waist, and made it to the middle of his calf, and a T shirt I had accidentally shrunk in the wash before all this nightmare started.  
  
Gimli was furious with me. Legolas kept giving me strange looks. Finally, while digging through a pile of clothes in the middle of the second living room, I glared at him  
  
"What?" I was still in my dressing gown, and not in the mood for their weirdness right now.  
  
I turned and stomped off to my room to get changed after warning them on pain of the fat kid's ass not to touch anything.  
  
*  
  
The carnage began. The Z fighters ran for cover.  
  
*  
  
I scurried out of the house, ducking my head. The screams were getting louder. I had Aragorn and Legolas by the arm and I was kicking Gimli forwards in front of me. I only prayed she didn't see me leaving. The faces of the hobbits pressed against the window for a second before disappearing. Aragorn suddenly looked as if he were going to turn back before I caught him by the ear.  
  
"There's no hope for them, save yourself"  
  
He nodded, grimacing as I dragged him around the outside of the house. Legolas was giving sounds of awe every five seconds as he took in the gardens, the shrubs, the path, the fence, the small pond, the pool, the lawns, the outside of the house, with the occasional object slamming into it from the inside, and my state of dress.  
  
"You are dressed as a man" he told me. I looked down for a second, then yanked them both into a crouch as a face appeared in the window. It was Gohan, clawing desperately at the glass before his fingers streaked across it in an attempt to hold on. Then his face disappeared.  
  
"No I'm not" I told him, frowning. Gimli turned and inspected me  
  
"Yes ye' are"  
  
"Indeed, what is your purpose, are you hiding that you are a woman?" Aragorn asked, his eyes lingered on my form fitting T shirt "It is not working"  
  
I growled in frustration, I kept forgetting the stupidity of their world. "Whatever, now we have to go before she comes outside and I have to listen to her scream for another three hours" this got them moving.  
  
We reached the garage. I opened the electric door with the remote in my back pocket. My new lackeys 'ooooed' and 'aaaahed' as I shoved them into the car and leapt in the drivers side.  
  
I just had to pray I wouldn't be stopped. I only had my restricted license. If a cop saw the three idiots in the back I was dead. I hadn't had time to show them how not to draw attention to themselves 


	5. What shall we do with the drunken ranger...

Chapter Five: What shall we do with the drunken sailor?  
  
I smirked dryly, watching my slaves mop up the waterlogged bathroom. Total Chaos, complete and total chaos.  
  
"Oiy, Girly boy, you missed a spot" I barked at Trunks. With my bathroom destroyed I was in no mood to be diplomatic. He looked up and turned a strange shade of pink before dipping his head again to the work of scrubbing the tub. Ok, so the bathtub was not really all that dirty, but I might as well get some free labor out of his super human strength. Even saijins have their uses.  
  
I had Trunks, Gohan, and the hobbits repairing the damage to the bathroom. While Piccolo sulked, and Vegeta and Goku watched TV. Their shift would begin in about half an hour. I could only fit so many maids in the room at once. I know I could have used the third floor bathroom, but since I was not going to have my house full of smelly men with bad attitudes, this one needed to be functional. The third floor was mine and Tania's sanctuary. And with Doctor Evil camped out in the other one (Three bathrooms are rather handy at times) this one had to be clean. Or at least functional. I scowled at The hobbits, who were discovering the wonders of the toilet all over again.  
  
I was dreading when I would have to show them how to use it. My mind was not quite ready for that. Of course, if I could, I would leave that little task to Tania, that girl had no shame. Once she hsad run right into my older brother, she had just had a shower and was in nothing more than a towel, the impact had caused her to lose her covering. I walked in on it. I nearly fell over at what she said 'See something you like' my brother was gawking until I dragged him away by the ear. He blushed every time he saw her for months afterwards. Tania thought it was the joke of the century.  
  
I perched on the edge of the bathtub, watching Gohan drying the floor with his ki, it was interesting to watch, I was glad the walls were water proofed, hopefully they wouldn't rot. But then, with my luck, they would probably be growing prehistoric animals by the morning. It was nearly eleven now, Tania had been gone since eight. In all honesty I did not know exactly when she had left. But I knew it must have been before I discovered the bathroom, because I couldn't find her when I did.  
  
I scowled and gave Trunks a sharp nudge in the backside as he paused. He continued hastily. I sighed, this was going to take a long time.  
  
*  
  
I sighed and leaned back in the seat. The supermarket was a ten minute drive, something I was not familiar with, I preferred to go to the corner dairy and stock up on junk food, a two minute walk. But in this case major supplies were needed. Aisling's parents are pretty rich, they're both lawyers. They don't let her spend a whole lot ussualy but they always leave heaps behind when they go on trips. My parent's definitely aren't poor, I just prefer to get my own money, I bought my own car, the one I was driving right then. I sold articles and such to magazines, and earned a nice bit of cash from it. And seeing as I never had to take out of it for bills and such, I always saved a bunch. Aisling's parents always seem to think we'll get into trouble when they leave us alone and leave heaps of money to get out of it (As if we needed money, feh, how beneath us) it almost always got spent. But definitely not for what her parents intended. In this case it was in fact being used for vital food, but then, food for eleven fictional idiots who aren't meant to exist isn't something one usually plans for.  
  
Legolas suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, he was leaning through the space between the front and driver's seats "Uhh, Tania, what is this beast?"  
  
I smiled in spite of myself, driving along with the window down is quite calming as long as your slightly insane passengers shut up and pretend not to exist like they're supposed to "It's a car Legolas, it's not a alive, it's a machine it carries you places"  
  
"How do you control it?" he asked, inspecting the glove box and suddenly falling through into the front seat, his head down under the dash. I reached down an hauled him out by the belt and waited till he got rearranged  
  
"Put that on" I indicated the seat belt and clicked it, not taking my eyes from the road, it was clear, being a Sunday, but I wasn't taking any chances "You use this wheel, it's like a..erm.a cart, only the wheels go by themselves and you just use this one t control them. It has an engine that makes it all go" I mumbled. I knew a fair amount about cars, but I knew a more detailed explanation would be lost on him. "In this world everybody has cars" I said, pointing to a large green vehicle as it roared past us. Legolas stared out the window.  
  
I suddenly saw in the distance, something I did not want to see. A checkpoint.  
  
*  
  
I stumbled through the door to find Vegeta and Goku arguing.  
  
"I don't know why you give a dam Kakkarot, it's high time that overgrown turkey dinner was destroyed!"  
  
"But it was big bird" Goku whined, his bottom lip sticking out and his eyes welling up  
  
"Whatever, it was begging to be fried, so I did it a favor" Vegeta said nastily.  
  
My eyes traveled slowly over the scene. And there it was. TV, my precious friend, TV. With a large smoking hole in the center. I screamed  
  
I screamed.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" tears began to rolls down my cheeks "YOU KILLED TV YOU FUCKEN ASSHOLE!!!" I screeched, charging at Vegeta. He caught my punch easily, but somehow I seemed to have gained inhuman strength from my grief and rage (Who knows? Maybe there's some saijin in me after all) for he did not, however, see my knee coming as I slammed it into his groin.  
  
He certainly felt it though, and slumped to the ground, groaning, while I fell on top of him, pounding my fists into his face and chest. Not surprisingly, it had no effect whatsoever. So I got up still bawling sand cursing and yelling my head off, and delivered another ball busting blow, and again, and again, and again. I kept kicking him with all my fury until Trunks suddenly came in the door. Froze for a moment and appeared beside me and grabbed me firmly, groaning sympathetically when he got a good look at his father.  
  
"Calm down" he locked his arms around me. I was seriously considering exploting this saijin weak point once again when Cartman wandered into the room.  
  
"What the fuck is going on?" he asked, then his eyes fell on Vegeta. "Shit" he said.  
  
Eventually Trunks released me. I sank to my knees, wailing over the loss of my dearest friend (Computer came net of course, followed closely by Tania)  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
The hobbits had wandered into the room. I looked up at them, tears still streaming.  
  
"They murdered TV!" I screeched, pointing Accusingly at Vegeta and goku, the consious one of the pair was trying to hide behind the couch. Which wasn't working, seeing as the remaining South Park kids were there. Muffled curses could be heard.  
  
I realized suddenly, as Frodo slipped silently to the other side of the room. That Gohan has entered, and was following the little guy. I frowned through my tears  
  
"Gohan?" I choked out miserably, giving a big sniff  
  
"Huh?" he blinked and jumped when he caught sight of Vegeta, the vegetable head had passed out, apparently below the belt was a saijin's only true weakness. Delightful.  
  
"What happened?" he asked, looking rather afraid "Who attacked Vegeta?"  
  
Trunks scowled and pointed at me as I got up, still sniffling  
  
"She did"  
  
The hobbits and Gohan backed up fast. Frodo stayed where he was, taking in the out-to-it saijin, the young saijin, who was watching Frodo intently, the scared looking saijin, and the annoyed looking saijin, and the crazy sorceress chick, now standing by the strange black box, hugging it and weeping brokenly.  
  
"Uhhh, I must go.take a shower" the last word tumbled out and he cringed, then rushed out of the room, I just saw Gohan follow him silently from the corner of my eye as I mourned TV, my oldest friend.  
  
*  
  
I smiled weakly at the officer "Good morning, officer" I said, trying to keep the quiver out of my voice. My knuckles were white as I gripped the wheel. On offense like this would mean a whole lot of trouble, especially if my passengers said anything stupid. "How's traffic been so far?"  
  
"Good morning mam" he said nonchalantly. I swallowed, praying he didn't look in the backseat, Aragorn and Legolas were hiding in the legspace. I hoped to god they could hide as well as hobbits. "It's been slow"  
  
I laughed a little nervously, "So, uh, you know that's a nice uniform" I said, reached out to touch his arm "Where do the make those, I can tell why cops make the best strippers" I smiled and fluttered my eyelashes, shifting my leg to kick Gimli while I leaned out the window, the dwarf had snorted in apparent disgust, he was stuffed under the dash. The cop stared at me for a moment before producing a breathalyser. I continued "You know I think it isn't the uniform, it's the man underneath, I'm so used to boys, I've always liked men better,"  
  
"Breath here mam" he pushed the little device in my face, I puffed a little before continuing. Any minute now he was going to notice my passengers and demand my license and I'd be screwed.  
  
"It's amazing how a real man can set off a uniform so perfectly, so." I inwardly steeled myself for the shame of what I was about to do "sexy, manly, enough to make a woman want to be rescued." I said breathlessly. I was always good ay acting. But stooping to the level of flirting was almost too much for me "Can I try on your hat?" I asked, my fingers were sliding up his arm. Inside I was cringing and screaming with the injustice of it all. Males are evil! Evil I say! And here I was making sure he got a view of the neck line of my T shirt. He gave me a withering look and removed his arm from my hand "What's wrong? Wouldn't you like to see me in that hat?.Just the hat" I added in a silky purr. Dammit, curse my creative mind, if that didn't do it nothing would. I suddenly felt a sharp nudge through my seat. Well you think of something better Aragorn! I'd like to see you pull off a hat. "You know, we could take this somewhere more, private" I was literally purring the words out now. To finish the job I ran my tongue over my teeth seductively. Geez.. I watch way too many movies.  
  
He raised an eyebrow at me and took of his hat "Mam, please blow here until I tell you to stop, then you may go"  
  
I nearly melted with relief, and puffed out all my air into the breathalyzer. He was never going to ask for my license? My god..all that for nothing. I nearly broke the sound barrier when I shot away. Thankfully he didn't come after me. Geez, now getting out of that one would have been more difficult. But to my great surprise, the cop had made me take the test twice, like he thought it was broken or something. I couldn't think why.  
  
Gimli burst up and stared at me as I glared at the road ahead, my hands gripping the wheel with enough force to bend steel  
  
"You sounded like a whore lass" he said, sounding rather impressed. Aragorn was sitting up now, stretching and groaning, it must have been pretty cramped back there for some one of his size.  
  
"Call it a gift" I said through gritted teeth.  
  
"Indeed" Aragorn said softly, hauling Legolas out of his predicament, stuck between the front and back seats. "You sounded very.practiced"  
  
I scowled. "Acting is a focal point for me"  
  
"So seem many other things" Legolas said, sounding quite awed. Well at least they knew who was boss. I scratched my forearm, all that effort, for nothing! And for a bloody, stinkin, breathalyzer wielding, old, cop! And I don't even like guys in uniforms! I complained inside my head for another few minutes, until I pulled into the supermarket carpark. It was then that I switched to drill sergeant mode.  
  
"Get out, don't touch anything or go anywhere until I tell you" I said shortly, unclicking my belt and getting out of the car, and feeling about ready to run somebody down with a trolley. Three or four times over.  
  
*  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" the foul sound jolted me out of my daydream. Minime had pounced on Sam. I cursed and jumped up. Trunks was trying to get out of the bath he had been scrubbing without falling over as I stomped over to the grappling pair and pulled off my belt. I caught Minime round the neck and buckled it tight. Trunks was trying desperately to keep his balance in the slippery tub as I straightened up, holding my jeans up with one hand and the belt/leash in the other.  
  
"Now you little bastard" I snarled "It's time I sorted you out permanently" I moved to the door "Keep cleaning you lot, your shift isn't over for another ten minutes."  
  
I slammed the door behind me and marched up the hall, on the second floor o my house there are about three large closets, they hold everything from sports gear to linen and serve as a place to throw things that don't fit anywhere else. This, after tying him up and gagging him with a about three socks from a smelly pile, chaining his hands with a pair of toy handcuffs, taping his mouth shut with the remaining two rolls of duct tape, roping his feet together with the old dog chains I found in the closet, shoving him in first one pillow case, then another and another and another, tying the top with a dressing gown cord, stuffing him a small box, wrapping it up in masking tape till it resembled a modern sculpture, stabbing three holes for air and hurling the box into the farthest corner of the closet and locking the door. Then I heaved a bookcase in front of it just in case. I sighed and went to the kitchen for a snack, it wasn't until I got there that I remembered we had no food.  
  
*  
  
I strolled down the aisle with my hands in my pockets, inspecting the items upon the shelf. Aragorn was pushing the trolley, still wearing the bemused expression that he had since I informed him of his position. Gimli was further up the aisle, frantically scaling the shelve in an attempt to reach what I pointed out before Legolas, smirking in a way very reminiscent of myself, reached over his head and snatched an armload, leaving Gimli's to slither to the ground and wait impatiently while I decided whether I wanted spaghetti with sausages or baked beans with extra sauce (I chose sausages in the end)  
  
Gimli did not seem to find my careful thought about how far each item would go, how much money I had to blow on a bunch of idiots and how much ore I would have to draw from my account at all amusing. And found the need to tell me so. In a number of languages.  
  
Eventually people started to stare, and a shelf stocker had the gall to ask me to control my son. My cure was simple; feign innocence, reach down and grab the heavy bugger by the waist, sit him on my hip and croon and coo and bounce the snarling dwarf till he was purple in the face. I was certain Legolas would spontaneously combust at any moment, trying not to laugh is so hard for simpletons. Aragorn just smirked in that quiet way of his and kept going, determined not to find it amusing. Which was probably a good idea, because as much as I was having fun torturing the little guy, I wasn't enjoying people assuming I was a mother. It's the mother of all insults. And had strong silent old Aragorn dared to laugh at me.well lets just say they would spend a long time collecting the pieces.  
  
Gimli, already furious I had messed with his hair and beard so mercilessly (ah, the joys of a hairbrush and a pair of scissors), was livid. By the baking goods aisle Legolas was bent double. Aragorn staunchly looked away, his shoulders shaking. How easy it was to convince people that Gimli was my two-or-three-year-old-with-a-surprisingly-deep-voice-going-through-that- stage-son, but the maternal act was killing me. There isn't much worse than a sniveling brat in my eyes. And Gimli did a very convincing job of whining and making mumbling noises when I shoved a toffee apple in his mouth.  
  
Aragorn gave me a disbelieving look as I hefted Gimli's weight a little higher on my hip, the little bastard was heavy. After a few moments of bemused staring, he sighed and leaned submissively on the trolley. I pointed to a stack of loo paper  
  
"Get a bunch of those"  
  
I was beginning to doubt I had enough money. The four large packages of loo roll balanced precariously on top of the pile. I went through my mental list, I knew I had to get about twenty kg of everything. I was sticking mostly to things I knew how to cook/prepare. I'm used to fending for myself a lot (Given my uncompromising refusal to eat with my kid brothers, they insisted upon hurling mashed potatoes at me. I wouldn't mind oh-so-much if I didn't always get saddled with the mess that resulted. It is NOT my fault that my fork rebelled. They should put warning labels on those things dammit!)  
  
So I can in fact prepare a meal safely, not that I would ever admit that to anyone, those who knew me ran in fear from my oh-so-innocent-looking muffins.  
  
I pointed out a jumbo sized tin of sliced peaches (Aisling liked them for some unknown reason, ick) while singing convincing lullabies to 'sweetykins' (Oh the humanity.) and smiling sweetly at the sparcely customers we passed. Thankfully they stared at me as opposed to dear old elfy and part elfy. The risk of anyone recognizing my three slaves was not large with Gimli and Legolas' hair hidden and all of them in street clothes it was minimized considerably. But it was still a risk. And I don't like risks that involve major press releases and scientific investigation. I was weird enough without having some science geek declare me anything but human.  
  
The trolley was full now, I groaned; I did not want to prolong this experience any more than I had to, but I was only half way through my list.  
  
Gimli was heavy, and I wasn't used to having something at least forty kg resting on my hip. Cement sacks were one thing, my shoulders could heave them around all day, but a bad tempered, foul mouthed, waist height dwarf who wouldn't stop wriggling was quite another.  
  
"If you move, I will personally wax your legs" I told Aragorn darkly. I moved to stand next to dear old Leggy, shoved Gimli at him, and caught his hand. "Come on honey" I said through gritted teeth, arranging the snarling dwarf in the elf's arms. Poor Legolas looked like he would faint. "We need another trolley"  
  
I twisted my waist a few times to loosen up my hips and squeezed Legolas' hand with bone crushing force. Smiling at him, I set my jaw, and dragged him forcefully back through the aisle, making certain Gimlikins didn't spit out his toffee.  
  
Back through the aisles I frog marched Legolas. Through to the outside, where I took Gimli, leaving 'honey' to nurse the nasty bruise purpling on his chin, and dumped the dwarf unceremoniously in the trolley a young employee offered me. I winked playfully at him and skipped away, ignoring Gimli's mutterings as he fought for balance with the newest temperamental form of transport.  
  
Legolas just gave me one of those looks and shrugged. Poor thing, probably thought I was nuts or something.  
  
I linked my arm in his and discreetly elbowed him into silence as we retraced our steps.  
  
Aragorn had dutifully done as I had commanded, leaning casually on the trolley, watching people pass. Of all my lackeys he was the most easy to recognize, his hair was still long and slightly jagged, he needed a shave (prickly, skins the knuckles more, uggh) and he was just like that. I was glad there were mostly older people shopping today, it only took one fanatic (Like Aisling say) to start it all off.  
  
I detached myself from Legolas and shoved my trolley next to the original. The pile was swaying slightly, with that annoying force that loves to toy with us mortals before destroying our hopes and dreams and loves and passion and..ahem.on a regular basis. I balanced the load to about half, ignored Gimli's complaints that I was dropping things on him, and proceeded to drop them a little harder.  
  
Food for the fellowship, myself and Aisling, and the south park kids I could deal with, but I knew from a lifetime of watching DBZ just how much saijins eat. And after going hungry for so long.I had no idea if just a table full would do it, there were five after all. Good thing I can cook rice. I pushed my trolley forwards, selecting several massive tins of each item I knew to be easy to cook. I had a feeling we would be using the barbecue for a while.  
  
It took me another half hour to find all the food I could imagine we would need or want, and then I felt it was time I spent some money on myself and Aisling. In a separate shopping basket. Good quality, wholesome food went out the window. Four kingsized blocks of chocolate, all our favorite flavors, white, black forest, caramello, and dairy milk. Four large packets of chips, salt and vinegar, chicken, plain, and sour cream and chives. Several pottles of dip, two five litre tubs of icecream, French vanilla and chocolate. After knowing Aisling all my life, I knew all the foods she liked, all the foods she refused to let herself eat, and all the foods I could use to blackmail whatever I wanted from her with. Coke, Fanta, Lemonade, salted cashew nuts, jaffas, pineapple lumps, tangy apples, snakes, every other kind of chewable sweet under the sun, I got them all. Then I turned my attention to the bathroom, I knew it would be seriously understocked. Several jumbo sized bottles of cheap shampoo and about ten cakes of nice smelling soap. For the guys. Me and Aisling got the good stuff, large expensive bottles of bodywash, shampoo, conditioner, skin products for Aisling, a new pouf for me (The fellowship pulled mine apart in and attempt to discover how it worked) about twelve cans of men's deodorant (Oh dear lord thank you!) a new set of razors for Aisling, a number of combs and brushes (My brush was snapped in half thanks to Gimli) and four packs of gum.  
  
I set Legolas to hauling what became two very heavy arm baskets and went through my thought list. I had all I could remember. I cringed, thinking of the amount of money I was going to have to part with. I'm a scrooge, I hate wasting money, and I hate wasting it on others. I'm not the most giving of people. I like having money, and to give up so much that could have bought so many things, for a bunch of non existent males was probably the worst way to lose my and Aisling's hard extorted cash.  
  
The checkout was three aisles away when the trouble began.  
  
*  
  
I sniffed miserably, curled into a little ball on the couch that makes a feature in the guest room, it's essentially Tania's room anyway, she spends so much time in it, we practically live at each other's houses most of the time. In my hand was a drink bottle of water, I had been sipping at it for half an hour, trying to calm my hiccups and tears, I would have gone for alcohol had I not known getting drunk was about the dumbest thing I could do. My house was about to fall down, my best friend was possibly hours away, there was no food, and the second floor was full of insane assholes who destroyed tvs and wrecked living rooms and tried to murder computers and ate all the food and mauled innocent bathrooms.  
  
Not to mention there was an evil doctor in the second bathroom while his evil cannibal clone ran around terrorizing the locals.  
  
I hiccupped and took another sip, my hands were shaking.  
  
Suddenly Tania's voice echoed around inside my head, it did this sometimes when I was too out of it to come back to life. Calm down, get off your ass, and do what you have to.  
  
The actual wording involved a lot more shouting and much profanity, as Tania tended to say things. She tended to be pretty rough, and she stepped on a lot of toes. But Tania was always the strong one, I could handle some things, but the reality of how little control I had over the unpredictable bunch was beginning to sink in. Keeping them in line was Tania's department, organizing and planning was mine. Tania could think on her feet and adapt, though she tended to think of little else at certain times.  
  
I sat up, holding my head. Then realized how badly I needed to pee.  
  
*  
  
I slumped over the trolley and moaned, the toy section.  
  
Aragorn made a sound of pain as my fingernails dug deeper into his arm, he knew what was good for him though, and said nothing. My vivid imagination was envisioning the chaos. Dear God.  
  
Gimli had discovered a game of paintball tag.  
  
He ripped it apart and inspected the chest plate, before grinning triumphantly and pulling it on, it fit perfectly, or as close to perfectly as anything ever fit Gimli. Had I been watching this in some sort of spoof or internet clip I would have nearly wet myself laughing, in his baggy shorts and T shirt with his beard in two plaits pulled up around his head, and squashed under a giant floppy hat, trying to figure out what the gun did. He suddenly discovered the trigger, a small flash of color shot past and a blotch of bright green appeared on Legolas's rear.  
  
Of course, it had to be dear old Leggy, it had to hit some one, in that particular place, and in this particular instance.  
  
My wall of tension broke down and I laughed. I laughed so hard my knees buckled and I was steadily slipping off the support of my trolley, I didn't even stop laughing as I slipped right off altogether.  
  
I made a sound of surprise, as Aragorn of all people, suddenly jumped around and caught me, not in that ladylike fashion you see in movies, where the guy sweeps the chick off her feet (note: Had he actually had enough of a deathwish to attempt this I would have started with his *at this point a large commotion is heard and a censorship squadron tackle the foul mouthed female and imposed a rating upon her fat ass, forcing her to amend her statement* grrrr.well, he would have suffered)  
  
So in short, not in the glamorous movie star way. Hell no, he caught me under the arms as my feet went out from under me and I ended up in a backward C shape, with my bent knees an inch above the floor, Aragorn half bent over, trying to stop my face landing on his sneakers (Gimli was in a tiny pair of gumboots I had dug out of a trinket/memorabilia draw should anyone care) He pulled me to my feet, apparently surprised at my weight (Feh, I'm me, waddiya expect?) and sort of held me, while I giggled helplessly, my arms draped over his shoulders. I was red in the face by the time I regained control of myself, whereupon I shoved the chivalrous movie character away and turned my attention to getting extremely tense all over again. Legolas was pulling the second chest plate over his head, and Gimli was wearing one of the two helmets. He knew how the gun worked now. Oh dear lord, what did I do?  
  
The first paintball whizzed into Legolas's chest plate, I gave a soft moan and started banging my head on the push bar of the trolley.  
  
(A/N: I don't care whether paintball guns make a bang or not, I have no idea. Lets be nice and go along with it?)  
  
Bang from me, Bang from gun, Bang from me, Bang from gun, Bang from me, Bang, bang, bang, bang BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!!  
  
Aragorn attempted to restrain my dazed self, while Legolas dived behind an arrangement of Barbie dolls. Poolside Barbie had several new hair colors by the time Gimli ambushed Legolas out of his shelter.  
  
I fought Aragorn's grip, I wanted to bang my head, I wanted to keep buffeting my brain around until I died or passed out. The hypertension of the past two days was killing me. Eventually Aragorn won, holding me under the chin with one hand and pinioning both hands behind me. I could hear them, battling and yelling and firing, the next aisle along  
  
"Why me?" I asked the sound proofed ceiling. With Aragorn's interference, I had given up hope of death or unconsciousness, so when I managed to shake Aragorn off, I stumbled dazedly around the corner. Right in time for Legolas to run straight into me. I'm pretty sure I passed out when I hit the ground.  
  
Bad idea.  
  
A/N: Woot, long chappie there huh? Reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews. The more I get the more I post. 


	6. Why question it?

Chapter six: Oh dear god  
  
"GET BACK IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" I screeched. Trunks looked down for a moment, to suffer a vicious punch to his jaw, I was amazed I could see them at all, but then things didn't work they way they were supposed to anyway. Why question it? And I had bigger problems "IF YOU WANT TO EAT YOU'LL GET THE HELL BACK DOWN HERE AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!!!" I hurled my threat up at them.  
  
They apparently didn't hear me.  
  
I turned and leveled Gohan with a glare. "Neither of you moves, if you do, there will be no food at all, and you'll be keeping that squeaky voice of yours for a long time" I threatened darkly, I don't think the young saijin actually understood my threat of castration, but he knew well enough I was too frazzled to disobey.  
  
My slight breakdown had done little for me except to make my face go puffy. I still missed TV.my dear friend.rest in peace.  
  
I shuddered to think how Tania would react, her temper was so much more violent than mine, and much more easily provoked, an offence of this size.it would be bigger than my explosion over my wrecked bathroom. And I really like my bathroom.  
  
But this was my house, and to hell with anybody besides me who was going to destroy it. This was my world, and for as long as I had to be, I would be boss.  
  
Stalking down the porch steps, I reached Sam, who was inspecting my garden. He froze as my shadow fell over him. Cringing, he straightened up a little and glanced up at me. I folded my arms and loomed over him  
  
"Get back inside" I said softly, no emotion in my voice.  
  
He scurried away, taking Merry and Pipin with him, they bolted for the door, apparently fearful for their own well-being.  
  
Gee, wonder why.  
  
I scowled and turned back to the porch. I'm a good climber, Tania hates heights, not that her pride would let her back down from a challenge though. Climbing the house drain pipe is a specialty of mine. I scaled it furiously, frantic to get closer.to yell more effectively.before they put a hole in the roof.  
  
I heard Goku calling after me to come down. I ignored him, hoping his fear of my wrath would keep him in place.  
  
Standing on the roof tiles. I took a deep breath and screamed so loud my lungs felt like they were going to fly apart. Hell, I think I rivaled Tania.  
  
"GET THE HELL DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU WON'T WALK STRAIGHT FOR A WEEK!!" I roared, surprising myself with my own volume.  
  
Vegeta suddenly came flying out of the sky, and slammed right into me. One word escaped my mouth as we both hurtled off the roof and into the unsupporting air.  
  
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!"  
  
*  
  
I drifted in black stillness for some time. When I awoke, it was not an entirely unpleasant return to consciousness. I discovered later Aragorn had ascertained I was not breathing, so a gallant shelf stocker had come to help. I found myself locking lips with a surprisingly cute boy about the age range I generally judged by. Unconsciously I actually half kissed him, that is, till I woke up. Then I shoved him so hard he went keeling over backwards and landed on the hard floor, taking Aragorn with him, who had been kneeling by my head. The next thing I saw were two pairs of sneaker shod feet in the air.  
  
I groaned, holding my head as I sat up. Instantly some one tried to push me back down. I discovered it was another male, older mid thirties and not nearly so cute  
  
"Try to relax, you're ok, if your husband here hadn't told called for help you wouldn't be so lucky" he said, apparently surprised at how difficult it was to make me stay still. I pushed his hand away and looked around, still not fully aware of what was going on. .  
  
"What the hell..husband.?" I said, my voice a high pitched whisper. I noticed Legolas standing a little way back, the paintball gun still in his hand, Gimli beside him, both were pale, and trying very hard to look innocent and avoid my glare at the same time. I narrowed my eyes, as a vague idea that the blame lay with them registered in my mind.  
  
Husband? What the fuck? A myriad of undesirable thoughts came to my mind at the thought of holy matrimony. No thanks, I'll stay a spinster.  
  
I noticed Aragorn trying to untangle himself from the flailing boy and scowled suspiciously. A number of people were gathered around, watching with wide eyes. Shit.  
  
"Why the hell did I pass out?" I demanded, grabbing Aragorn by the throat, he winced as my nails dug deep. I compulsively chew things when I'm stressed and my jagged, sharp, nails are the first victims. He made a choked sound and tried to speak, my thumb nail was pressing on his windpipe, I loosened my grip slightly to let him speak. Only just.  
  
"You fell.hit your head" he choked, I let go and watched him rub his neck gingerly. I can be a little rough at times. Aisling's about the only person I don't intimidate fifty percent of the time. The rest of it, I tend to be pretty crazy. That percentage had increased greatly in recent times, I had to be crazy if I was trying to choke fictional characters to death.  
  
A few moments later my sense of self preservation kicked in, I got slowly to my feet, trying to keep my balance, and glaring murder at Aragorn when he tried to take my arm. I turned to the man and smiled apologetically, wondering if I was looking any greener than the sparkling water mermaid Barbie fish tail. Hopefully not too much.  
  
"I'm very sorry about all this, thank you for your help" I shot a smile at the now standing boy, he blushed and looked at his shoes. "And I'll pay for the game,"  
  
Searching for an explanation to their stares, I thought quickly  
  
Publicity stunt? No, too messy. Charity fund raiser? No, too many questions. Super powered superior beings trying to mess with us all? No, too obvious.  
  
Ching ching! A lightbulb appeared above my head. Lightning struck my brain. It was perfect, watertight. And so fitting.  
  
"You see I work with the mentally disabled," I waved a hand at Legolas and Gimli, they stared at me for a moment, then realization dawned. They both gave me indignant scowls. I almost felt sorry for Gimli, he had had the worst of the humiliation. He had been the one who got stuffed under the dash, he was the short guy, I did take his axe away. And he was the short guy.  
  
My sense of pity ticked over. Tick, tick, tick, tick.  
  
Meh.  
  
I continued regardless.  
  
"This is my..partner!.Jeff," I suddenly stepped beside Aragorn and put an arm around his waist, jerking tightly enough to force all the air out of him, he made a sound of surprise as I forced a large smile "This is sort of an outing, just to give our charges some time in the.outside world, if you know what I mean" I said meaningfully, indicating the double trolleys  
  
"What are you doing?" Aragorn hissed in my ear. I tightened my arm  
  
"Make it look good" I hissed back, through my smiling teeth. I tried to ignore the smirk he got as I continued (for it could only mean bad things.bad things are not good) "They get whatever they want"  
  
I walked over to Legolas and patted his arm, noticing that Aragorn followed me very closely, "Come on now Bobby, we have to go"  
  
I discreetly stomped on his foot when he moved to protest. He made a sound of pain, I sent an apologetic look at the people gathered and pushed Legolas to the trolley "Do you want to push the trolley?" I asked in semi baby talk.  
  
My finger nails dug deep into his arm.  
  
He nodded quickly.  
  
Aragorn's arm suddenly went round my waist as I moved to pick up Gimli  
  
"What the hell are you doing" I hissed at him  
  
"Making it look good" he said smugly.  
  
I knew he was enjoying this. Bloody hell.when I got my hands on.off.on..when I got out of here, he was going to suffer. For a very, very, long time.  
  
"Well I think we had better be going then" I said, lifting Gimli up, shoving the dwarf, (who was cursing in what was apparently his own language) at Gondor's King, and moving to push the other trolley  
  
"Thank you very much" I said brightly.  
  
I noticed Aragorn staring daggers at the boy, who was staring at me still blushing (poor lad, can't have got some in a while). I smiled at him and grabbed Aragorn as I shoved my trolley away from the mini crowd, as quickly as humanly possible.  
  
*  
  
"FUKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!" the word kept repeating itself from my lips. Hurtling through the air, in what I realized was not a controlled flight, is most decidedly not my idea of fun. Nor was it my idea of taking control of the situation.  
  
Vegeta, as I discovered, was not hurtling under his own power. We had rocketed right across the gardens, and were starting to lose height. The speed we were going I knew I wouldn't survive the landing. Especially with Vegeta landing on top of me.  
  
I was screaming profanity at the top of my lungs when I slammed into something so hard it knocked the breath out of me, followed by a second impact that was Vegeta's heavy body. I was too dazed to realize I was being very gently brought to earth.  
  
I looked up to Trunks peering down at me, his face the picture of concern and guilt.  
  
He set me lightly on my feet and held me up as I stumbled. I whimpered hysterically and fell to my knees, kissing the earth, breathing in it's wonderful scent, vowing never to leave my dear earth ever again. Nope, never, never, never, never, ever, ever again. Not this girl folks, I'll keep my feet firmly on the ground, sirrey bob, I'll stick to walking, just like everybody else, no flying through the air with a zonked saijin prince on top of you. Nope, not for me. No thank you.  
  
Then I turned my eyes skywards and clasped my hand in prayer formation  
  
"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you, if you were here I'd kiss you and hug you and squeeze you to bits" I gave praise to the lord. Forgetting the chance of me being religious was about the same as Tania bursting into tears. And if I have not alliterated this point enough, those chances are about as slim as Doctor Evil, Minime, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pipin, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Vegeta, Goku, Piccolo, Gohan, and Trunks to come barreling through large brightly flashing portals into this world and proceed to wreck everything.  
  
No wait.that did happen.  
  
Bad example.  
  
Trunks stared at me, a bemused expression on his face  
  
"Are you.ok?" he asked uncertainly. I turned to him and jumped to my feet  
  
"You BASTARD!" I shrieked. He took a step back, I was precisely the same height as him, Trunks is actually quite short, not next to his father, but nothing like Goku, and a dam hobbit next to Piccolo. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs to their capacity, and let fly.  
  
"You fucken stupid careless assholish imbecile BITCH! First you come charging into MY HOUSE, then you destroy my bathroom then you BLOW UP TV you EAT ALL the food! You make holes in my walls you wreck my garden you moon everybody you won't do as you're told you dare to restrain me you throw your father at me you stop me from doing the world a favor and gelding him you come from the future and do nothing at all your counterpart is a disgrace to DBZ in general you suck all round you barely make it to my waist you're not real you're insanely hot you never stop swearing you're fat and ugly and potato shaped you dance on grandfather clocks you're a tiny clone who tries to eat people you're forever trying to take over the world your evil laugh is crappy all the episodes with you in them suck there are like no good picture of you on the net nobody can think of a good fic about your sorry ass you have no tail you're impossibly shy you're big ugly and green with a bad attitude and you have to go and die in the Cell saga you ruined my bathroom my kitchen and you stole my other bathroom and you're obsessed with the one ring you destroyed all my illusions about how great all these characters are and most of all YOU SUCK SHIT!"  
  
I stopped, panting,  
  
Pant, pant, pant.  
  
Can I breathe?  
  
Nope.  
  
Pant, pant, pant. Pant, pant, pant.  
  
Can I breathe?  
  
Nope.  
  
Pant, pant, pant.  
  
My face was bright red and everyone was cowering. I glared at the cringing saijin, kicked him in the balls, and stalked inside, slamming the door so hard the whole house shook.  
  
To find the one person who could make it all better standing there  
  
*  
  
I stared at Aisling for a moment, dropped the four shopping bags in my hands and opened my arms. She jumped at me, muttering profanities incoherently. Had I not been so well versed in the vulgar arts I would not have recognized her mumbled speech.  
  
I patted her back awkwardly. I'm not good at comforting people normally. But Aisling's about the only person who's allowed to hug me, so I can generally improvise for her. I sent a lethal glare at Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn, who shuffled past, leaving their bags on the floor and returning to get more.  
  
Maybe they weren't as stupid as they looked.  
  
.Hang on.what am I saying. OF COURSE THEY AREN'T!!!  
  
They is stupider.  
  
I broke apart for a second to scoop up two bulging bags, and then with them in one hand and the other arm around my best friend. I led her upstairs. Not really caring what our invaders were up to at that point in time.  
  
Once we were on the third floor I took her to her room and sat her down. It took her a moment to calm down  
  
"Better now?"  
  
She nodded miserably "I just wish all of this would end, I just got thrown off a roof, and they." she suddenly gave a wracking sob  
  
"They murdered TV" she whispered  
  
The words hit me like a dagger through my heart. We both loved TV like a sister, she meant so much to us, even more than each other.  
  
I cringed brokenly, fighting down the demonic howl fighting to escape my throat. I had to be strong, for Computer.and Aisling of course. They would both be devastated.  
  
I reached into the bulging bag and pulled out a block of white chocolate "Feel like shamelessly reinforcing female depression stereotypes?" I said, waving the bar suggestively under her nose. She gave a little giggle and grabbed it.  
  
To hell with the bastards. Now was time to prove just how a girl can put on six pounds in one day. 


	7. DUCK TAPE

Chapter seven: Why me? Why me?  
  
I scowled and stomped downstairs. I was greeted with a roomful of starving males. Vegeta was out cold, resting over Trunks' shoulder, Gohan was holding Goku back and Cartman, half covered in duct tape, was fighting his way through the tightly bound group.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli were all standing around the door as I entered. I noted that none of the food had been touched, evidently Aisling had done a good job of terrifying them.  
  
I mean, hey, she was taught by the best. The cat suddenly appeared, purring with the volume of a lion, winding herself around my ankles. I paused and then lifted her gently into my arms, ignoring her singed fur; I would cause pain and suffering for that later.  
  
"Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, you're with me" I said, leaving no room for argument. They stared at me in confusion until I turned and left the room again.  
  
When I reached the sea of bags, I gently set the cat down and did my best not to trip as she followed me religiously through the plastic maze. I picked my way through and snatched up four bags containing meat.  
  
"Go get the girly looking purple haired one" I said to Sam. The little hobbit stared at me for a moment, then turned and shakily left the room. I heaved the bags through to the small clear space and dumped them on the table. "Get those ones, with the vegetables in them" I directed Aragorn, imagining Frodo would fall over with the weight of even one, they were full to the gunnels.  
  
Aragorn obeyed my commands, picking his way through the bags and placing them next to the meat. I unpacked as much as I could spread onto the table and thought for a moment. I had simply gone and bought everything that looked like it would make a decent sized meal. Considering the amounts I eat, I knew I could judge for any of the humans/elves, saijins were a different problem altogether, I had five of them to deal with. And with Aisling under orders to sleep for a while I was on my own.  
  
Taking an armload of steaks I pulled off the wrapping and laid them out on the bench.  
  
"Uh.the.little.guy. said you.wanted me?"  
  
I looked up, Trunks was standing awkwardly on the other side of the plastic sea. I sent him a stern glare, knowing full well his part in Aisling's slight breakdown. Hell, if he'd done that to me the guy wouldn't be walking straight ever again. He shifted nervously under my glare. Probably imagining the things going through my head.  
  
Boy, you have no idea.  
  
"Use your ki to cook this lot" I pointed at the meat, laid out on the table, and scowling at the amount of juices I would have to force Sam to wipe up. Trunks nodded blankly and extended his hand. Aragorn stared and Frodo cowered as blue light enveloped the raw steaks and they began to sizzle. I watched closely, hoping the bench wouldn't be too badly burnt. I was lucky, Trunks fried them quick enough, there was no major damage, nothing Aisling's non domestic parents would notice anyway.  
  
When they were bubbling and spitting I waved my hand at Trunks, who lowered his arm and stared nervously at the floor, trying to avoid the stare of Frodo and Aragorn, who were looking at him as if he was Lord Sauron himself. Sam suddenly re entered the room. Apparently following the smell of steak. I scowled warningly at him and moved to the cupboard to get out the platters. Being the people they are Aisling's parents tend to throw business parties, and they like to do it in style. Thus a lot of decorative plates and such. Luckily for me, several of them were huge.  
  
I slapped the steaks in two piles on the platters and beckoned Frodo, he looked at them hungrily, and I remembered he was a hobbit, and how much hobbits like to eat. I handed him one heavy platter and leaned over the plastic sea to give the other to Aragorn  
  
"Take those into that room there, through that door over there, and put them on the table. And if you destroy anything it'll be your balls" I said darkly.  
  
They both gulped, so I assumed they knew what I meant. I jerked my head at Sam "Wipe that up while I do the rice" he scurried to do my bidding, staring longingly after the departing lackeys. I jabbed him in the back and tossed a cloth at him. Knowing what was good for his future children, he did as he was told.  
  
Pulling out the large wok that never got used, I filled it with water and set it on the stove to heat up while I searched for the three sack sized packets of rice. Heaving them onto the now clean bench, I ripped the top off one and poured about a quarter into the now warm water.  
  
"Trunks, get your ass over here and boil this" I barked. People tell me I'm a commanding sort of person. People don't tend to argue with me when I'm in control. Apparently I'm mean, and I don't think of other people's feelings.  
  
Meh, probably.  
  
The rice took ten minutes to boil under Trunks' power, when it was done I took the full wok and heaved it into the dining room. Frodo was staring hungrily at the meat and even Aragorn's masked features were betraying his hunger. I was starving, I hadn't actually eaten any of the junk food I had brought back, instead I left most of it for Aisling and the rest hidden away in a specific location.  
  
We had used it for years to hide our contraband goods, liberated from numerous locations. If I say any more I'll have to kill you. So I was as ravenous as any of them, more so in fact, seeing as I had not had breakfast the day prior, nor lunch, and only a few morsels from the time the fellowship attacked our stores of food. And considering the stress Aisling and myself had been under, I had been burning a lot of energy. Trunks followed me, with a large stack of plates in his hands.  
  
It took ten minutes to semi set the table, basically I threw knives and forks on the table, glad there was a cloth, (Aisling's mother would skin us alive if we left a scratch on the polished wood) and set a bunch of plates down. Three more trips, filling up every large bowl and container I could find with rice, and I was set to feed at least the fellowship and the South Park kids.  
  
"Get your mates" I said the Frodo. He stared at me blankly. I scowled and kneaded my knuckles against my eyes "The round kids, and the hobbits and co."  
  
He stared at me "Co?"  
  
"JUST GO GET THE FUCKEN FELLOWSHIP OF THE GODDAM ONE TWELVE-CARAT RING!!!" I roared.  
  
The fixtures shook. Frodo bolted.  
  
I sat down, shaking slightly. Aisling had had her minor breakdown. I guess it was time for my major one. I sat silently in the chair, my back stiff, my arms around myself. And began to tremble. I stayed that way until my trembling escalated to violent shaking. All the while I stared straight ahead, inwardly fighting to keep control of myself.  
  
My trance was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.  
  
Oh dear god, they'd been outside.  
  
The neighbors.  
  
A/N: MWUHAHHAHAAAA!! I love being mean to the characters. Kudos to Kaibun for her character Aisling, and letting me mess with her so much. I fear I will pay dearly for it in the end.  
  
Here's the deal. In primitive speech just in case. You no review. I no post. 


End file.
